Test 3: Dressing Small Children

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Test 3: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag (сумка-сетка для покупок).
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 4: Conversations with children

Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 5: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.

Test 6: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Make a small hole in a side of a melon
2. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
3. Now get a bowl of cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane.
4. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
5. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.

Test 7: TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Sesame Street, Teletubbies (телепузики) and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 8: Mess

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor.
5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.

Test 9: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second interval between each Mummy

2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even think about having children!

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